Date: 2005-04-28 11:13 am (UTC)
machine scream
liquid drip


These assonances are the building blocks of good poetry. I'd go with that rather than the line arrangement. Learning to use assonance is important; though it is not noticed consciously as much as alliteration, it is appreciated more, though people seldom know why they liked it. That may have to do with the ludicrous variety of ways we write the same vowel sounds, leaving people failing to notice the audible effect because their eyes are deceived.
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